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On Tuesday, Paramount dropped a 268-page SEC filing that reads less like a tender offer and more like David Ellison’s diary entries from the worst week of his professional, and maybe personal, life. The son of a man who could buy Fiji on a whim spent days firing increasingly emotional texts at David Zaslav, a CEO who responded with all the urgency of someone ignoring a bad Tinder date. The document was supposed to justify Paramount’s $30-per-share cash bid for Warner Bros. It accidentally became a regulatory document about how not to make someone want you.

The filing shows Ellison trying every communication style short of an Edible Arrangement. He calls. He texts. He follows up. His bankers follow up. His lawyers follow up. He even sends a heartfelt, borderline thirsty message at 4 p.m. on December 4, explaining the bid’s “complete certainty,” professing “admiration,” and assuring Zaslav that being partners would be “the honor of a lifetime.” Zaslav responds by… doing absolutely nothing. Not a call. Not a question. Not even a blue bubble that popped up and disappeared. Zas left Baby Ellison on read.

The company repeats the complaint like a chorus. Ellison really wanted to buy another movie studio this year with family money and President Trump’s strong-arm support. But he got no outreach whatsoever, no feedback of any kind, no markup of any document, no real-time negotiation. Paramount is basically filing a regulatory letter that says, “We tried everything, and he would not swipe right, but we clearly deserve his love. Please understand we’re the reasonable ones here.” It is the whiniest SEC exhibit in recent memory, and an instant classic for anyone who enjoys billion-heir ego death dressed up as a plea for fiduciary duty.

Ellison’s frustration is almost poetic. One of the richest boys ever born, and yet he’s sitting by the phone waiting for a studio chief to acknowledge his existence. The power imbalance is hilarious. Zaslav is deep in a multi-party sale process, juggling Netflix and sovereign wealth fund suitors, and Ellison keeps dropping into his DMs with increasingly imploring texts like a teenager refreshing read receipts.

By the time Paramount’s advisors are texting Evercore with bullet-pointed pleas (“pls note… we did not include ‘best and final’”), the vibe has fully tilted from hostile takeover into some real Kendall Roy energy.

So yes, Paramount made a real bid. Yes, the premium was high. Yes, the financing was locked. The part history will remember, though, is the spectacle of a billionaire’s heir discovering a brutal truth: sometimes the CEO you want is already emotionally committed to Netflix, and clearly, just not that into you.

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